… ’cause that’s what he’d always been told.   

But BOys don’t always do as they’re told – do they?   Or they’d never get anywhere.   Remember the story about a little red engine who gets to a big hill and defies all the doubting Toms by struggling on and up puffing out  …. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can …”    This BOy is one to bring out when faced with a challenge.

… but not big enough for handshakes.

Begs a BOy question … WHY are bear hugs, group hugs, cuddles, kisses (and tears) totally acceptable and applauded on footy fields and in sporting arenas  ….. yet in school yards, work places, and often the homes of growing lads, it’s often viewed as a sign of immaturity, weakness or ‘gayness’ - inviting tags such as ’Mummy’s BOy’?   A BOy’s rite of passage can be a lonely place.

On a bad day … little BOy blue made me smile.    (Pic from Yen Mag)

… with a firm grip on what he’s got.

BOy culture seems to load lads up – sometimes, with more than BOy can bear.  And if  BOy can’t bear it – saying so isn’t an encouraged option, because BOy is supposed to be tough – right?    Or maybe it’s BOy culture that’s wrong?   Maybe BOy should be valued for his sensitivity, honesty, authenticity, difference and ability to grow and evolve beyond the confines of  BOy stereotyping -  rather than his worth being measured by size, strength, toughness and how much he can do?  I had a refreshing conversation with a bloke a while back, who talked about his close friend who’d taken his own life.  His honesty was astrounding … 

… he recalled a conversation he’d had with his mates over drinks at the funeral wake.  He said the guys were all saying how they wished their mate had talked to them, told them how bad he was feeling.   And this guy said, “Bullshit!   If he’d told us we’d probably all have called him a ‘pussy’ and told him to toughen up.”   I think that moment of honesty separated the man from the BOys.    And I’d also seen a little five year old BOy cry recently as his Dad clipped him on the shoulder and told him to ‘toughen up’ and not be ’such a sook’ (sadly a different to the BOy I talked about in  # 6).    Maybe it’s not about BOy being a ‘sook’ – but BOy culture being way too tough?  Pass the BOy on … and/or click on the BOy Tag on the right to meet previous BOys.

… and sometimes he doesn’t.

BOy is often told; ”You know what you’ve got coming to ya!”  But when BOy doesn’t.  When BOy gets it wrong.  Does it  make what he got – right?  And why should  BOy have to be brave in the face of the cowardly acts of others?   Why does he think he should be able to get there in time to change the course of bad things?   Will he remain forever frozen on the edge of anticipation?     Will there come a time when it’s safe for BOy to say “I don’t know?”   When BOy is encouraged to feel and react to his own emotions and pain?  When he can warmly and sensitively console  another – BOy?   Say ‘yes - it hurts’ and ‘no – that’s wrong’ ?   To thaw and skip like stones beyond his tightly bound existence?   We live in hope?  I wonder ……. and I’m sorry to a BOy who had to swallow a punch the other day …

He was sitting on a bench seat with his Dad.   We were gathered chatting the small talk of strangers.  I’m not sure what the BOy did but his Dad, a tight ball of muscle, delivered a punch to his tender five year old arm.   This BOy will wear a bruise for his trouble – whatever it was.   And no-one said anything.  We too, just swallowed.  I’m not sure what we could have done.  I wonder if my cowering glance and regretful, helpless smile sided in some small way with his own feeling of  being wronged.   And I’m afraid it wasn’t enough.

Picked up the paper for the BOy cards.   Spicers have even given it a BOy name that inspire a Haiku…

stephen dirty brown  .  toothy paper rich and deep   .   perfect for the BOy

…  or maybe he’s just not going anywhere right now.

As BOy drove himself closer and closer to the end, he discovered he did have time to stop – even if the world wouldn’t.    Tired and angry, BOy shouted at the end;   “STOP!”    And as he slammed on the brakes, to his surprise - the world rolled off his shoulders.     BOy slumped into watching the sun RISE day after day from the darkness that surrounded his world – declaring … “One day, so will I!”

I did this drawing a few weeks back but the paragraph of writing came through yesterday.  I’d been to a Youth Focus meeting in preparation for peer support camp next weekend.   There seemed to be an increase in the number of boys attending camp, and an alarming decrease in the age - 14 & 15.   I wondered whether this is because boys are finding it harder – younger?   Or perhaps boys are talking about it more - putting their hand up for help earlier?   Or perhaps it’s because we as a community are more aware and better educated to detect early warning signs and offer support?  A combination of all three perhaps?   One well worth thinking, talking and doing something about.   Pass him on …

That’s if anyone bothered to ask – and he probably couldn’t find the words anyway.

And what if a BOy stops pretending he’s fine?  What if a BOy cries?   Lets out the worry?   Says he’s scared?  Puts his hand up for help?   Why should he be called a sook, a pussy, pansy, poofter, sissy or EMO?   Why do they tell him to pull himself together, keep his chin up, soldier on, tough it out - not to worry because … you’ll be right mate?   Finding words can be hard for a BOy, so is finding his feelings –  showing them even harder.    But if it’s really so hard for a BOy to talk and feel and cry – doesn’t that make the BOy who does –  tougher than all the other BOys? 

BOy has been a BOy so long though, that he’s well conditioned to put his hand down or go to the back of the line because someone else has something more important to say.  And besides … no-one ever offered him a way to say it.   So let’s champion for a new age BOy who has learnt that more is lost in war than won – and fighting his own battle, conquering his own fears and demons, freeing himself from the silence and pretending will be his greatest victory.   Pass it on …

The Concise Oxford Dictionary’s strict cut off point  for BOys !  Stayed tuned – BOy #4 talks about this very thing.